Over the holidays I received this email from Momof6 reader Sarah who shares this dilemma on how to handle so many young children during preschool pickup (Sarah has 4 kids ages 4, 3, 2, and 1, plus a baby on the way- go Sarah!) ….
I have a situation and was wondering how you handled this when your kids were younger. Obviously the 2 older kids (boys) are in preschool. My boys are BOYS, wild, loud, a little obnoxious if you will…lol. To get them both from school is a chore. I have the 2 babies also. I have a double stroller that hardly fits through the door of the school, and then to control the stroller and hang on to both boys is impossible. The school is an old store front in a shopping center. It is off by itself and the school owns both vacant store fronts on either side. I park as close as I can to the door (about 10ft?) and I turn the car off and lock it and leave the babies inside. The entire front of the school is glass so I can see my car the entire time. I grab both boys, and leave. The entire process takes about 5 minutes. But I have to tell you, I get the NASTIEST looks from the other moms because …gasp…I leave the kids in the car. The way I look at it, it is safer to do it this way than to risk one of the boys running from me into a parking lot. Also, I tend to be a little more old fashioned than many moms these days. I am not a hovering type of mom and I loathe the term “play date”. From the attitudes I get you’d think that I left them alone for 30 minutes wandering in traffic. I was just curious how you handled these types of situations where it is just impossibly hard to do things the “normal” way…or any other struggles you have with having so many so close together. Thanks so much!
Well Sarah- I will admit that when I first had my kids, I was neurotic about taking them out of their car seats to go anywhere…. I mean literally to return a rental video and place it into the Blockbuster drop off box (I wasn’t even going into the store!)… the dry cleaner, anywhere and everywhere! I think at one point I had seen an Oprah show about children being left alone inside of cars that were then stolen while Mom ran into the store for “just a minute”. And it made me paranoid!
(On a side note… Oprah shows about bad things that happen to babies and kids should have been off-limits to any woman in the throes of hormone-overload-due-to-pregnancy! I remember after arriving home from the hospital with my first, my Mom, who was staying with us, was kind enough to answer the phone one afternoon. It was a florist calling to ensure that we were home so they could deliver flowers. My Mom casually made a nice comment that “yes, both Mom and baby were home”… and I practically ripped my mother’s head off…. how dare she tell a stranger that I was home with a new baby! They might want to come and kidnap him! Yes- I seriously did do that….. all in response to an Oprah show I had seen during my 9th month. I should have taken an Oprah-sabbatical back then!)
However, I now know that parenting many children under the age of 5 offers its own set of challenges. And while I would not normally recommend that someone ever leave their child alone in the car- I think you are the best judge of what’s right for you, and for the safety of your kids. As long as you exercise extreme caution about locking kids in a car on even a slightly-warm day (please see this About.com article that explains the dangers… nearly 500 kids have died since 1998 after being left in a hot car- even when outside temps were only in the 70′s)… then you should do what you feel is right.
And learn to ignore the crazy looks from the other Moms. Everyone has an opinion on how you parent your kids… and they always seem too quick to share it! Rather than judging you, the best thing that someone could do would be to offer to be a “pick up” buddy for you (an excellent Mom to partner up with would be another Mom of a baby the she has to haul into the preschool too for pick up). You could each take turns going into the school to pick up the preschoolers while the other Mom hangs out by the cars with the babies who are still strapped into their car seats. I know that this is something I did several times with other Moms at my preschool when I still had babies around!
You know, there is a whole group of Moms “out there” that refer to themselves as “free range parents”… trying to stop the mounting craziness of never allowing their kids out of their sight. While I do not fully subscribe to this type of parenting, I do like to educate myself on how a more “free range” parent might look at a situation. Lenore Skenazy writes a blog called Free Range Kids, and I think it is an excellent blog to follow. I think that you might enjoy it too.
Okay Momof6 readers: What do you think about Sarah’s dilemma…. should she bring both babies into the preschool each time in order to pick up her 2 boys? Or should she leave the babies in the car?
Thumbnail photo credit: deovolenti courtesy of flickr
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
This is truly a dilema for young moms. Even “back in the day” when things were safer and less paranoid it was almost unheard of to leave a child alone in the car for any reason. Not that I never did it, but felt guilty, and like a “bad mom” when I did. I wouldn’t recommend it…ever. This is a time for young moms to help each other out. Instead of judging the moms, offer assistance to them. It’s hard enough to get the preschoolers back into the car, let alone the baby(ies) that you had to bring along to pick up. One thing that the preschools might consider is having someone posted outside at pickup time so that children in cars would be guarded until moms gets back with preschool students.
Each year you’ll read that another child died in an overheated car and wonder, “what were they thinking?” I’m not one of those people who think you can’t let a child out of your sight, however; the safety of your child is one of your most important jobs.
Twitter: sharonmomof6
January 19, 2012 at 10:50 am
Thank so much for weighing in on this issue! And you are so right that Moms should be helping each other out! Aren’t we all in this together?
As a mom of 4 I do not mind leaving them in the car if I can see them. If my 9 year old is in the car then I don’t mind leaving them at all for a short period of time. I turn on the movie and lock them in, lock out the world as they can still get out if necessary. I would always leave the youngest in the car on preschool pick-ups and drop offs. I once had a women waiting for me to accost me about how bad I was, gone for 1 minute to drop of forgotten lunch bag off at an activity. I not so politely told her to mind her business! I personally hate judgmental people who think they are better then others and until you live my life don’t have the right to judge me. None of my kids have ever been seriously hurt, had stitches, broken limbs so I think we are doing ok.
When you have many kids you do what you have to do to make it through the day!
Twitter: sharonmomof6
January 19, 2012 at 1:27 pm
I think that leaving them in the car with an older sibling is a great idea…. when you have a sibling old enough to do that. I personally do that too- and it helps to know that the older ones can unlock the door and get the other kids out if there were ever any sort of an “emergency”.
But Sarah doesn’t have that luxury…. her oldest is only 4 (and she is headed into preschool to pick him and his 3 year old brother up)… and its the babies that she is leaving alone. I still think that a “Mommy buddy” would be the best bet- but if she can’t work that out … well- then she needs to make the call that she is most comfortable with.
And I hate the whole Mommy judgment thing too. Waaayyy too much of that going on!
Sharon I remember having the blockbuster discussion with you years ago. I will leave a kid in the car to run into the cleaners – glass front and parked two feet from the door – - I open a few windows like 2 inches – lock the door and run in and out. But reallly not a small child alone other than that. I totally get this mom’s dilemma but is it possible for someone in the school to walk your boys to the door for you? I have a baby and two older boys (10 and 12). There are times I bring the 10 yr old with me to pick up the 12 yr old just so he can stay in the car with the baby. Windows are cracked, doors are locked and he has a cell phone. But still only for a few minutes and parked close to the door while I run in. It’s a tough dilemma but you need to use your best judgment at all times based on location, safety, temperature and viewing ability.
Twitter: sharonmomof6
January 19, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Ellen- I was thinking of how you and Wendi both laughed at me when I admitted to you that I took my kids out of the car to return a video to the blockbuster drop off window while I was writing this post!
And I agree with you- you need to use your won best judgement at all times!
Thanks for reading!
I have 5 under 7 and I have left them in the car in similar situations at times. You gotta do what you gotta do, but I also have an acquaintance who was arrested for the exact same scenario – he ran into a store less than 10ft from the car, but someone called the police and in TX it’s illegal to leave a child unattended in a vehicle for any amount of time. Now that I have so many and more activities for each of them, I’m much less bashful about asking for help and/or arranging carpools, etc. to avoid this type of situation. But no matter how you slice it, there’s no reason to judge a mom for something like this – I have a strict policy of never allowing myself to judge another mom – and always offer some kind of help!!
Kiki
Twitter: sharonmomof6
January 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Back when I lived in FL (way before kids!), I remember hearing about parents being arrested for the same thing. That’s because is southern states- the temperature is nearly always warm enough for there to be dire consequences when a child is locked in a car- even for a few minutes. It’s a law designed to protect the kids- and I think in states like TX and FL it makes sense.
I LOVE your strict policy about not judging other Moms! I completely agree!
5 under age 7- nice to find a kindred spirit!
I admit it…I’m the lady who leaves the kids in the car. When I saw this post about my email question this morning, I started to panic wondering if I was going to be able to handle all these people saying how horrible I was. I am SO relieved to see that there are actually a few people who seem to get it. Let me clarify for any who might be wondering. Me grabbing my kids from this tiny school is literally like parking your car in the driveway and stepping inside a glass front door of a house to set something down and going right back outside. I never take my eyes off the car and the whole process takes less time than it does to buckle a car seat. We live in northern Ohio so there’s certainly not a weather issue…but that said, I am never gone long enough for there to be a drastic change in car temp anyways.. I don’t know any moms at the school because….well….I always grab and run because the kids are in the car! lol I don’t prefer this situation, and in a perfect world this is not what I would opt to do. But unless you are in the circumstance you really have no idea just how hard it can be.
Twitter: sharonmomof6
January 19, 2012 at 3:13 pm
Sarah-
Thanks so much for leaving a comment here today. And I like what you are saying that this is not a situation that you prefer… but it is what it is. And sometimes just doing your best is all that you can do!
Please keep asking questions- they make for such great discussion here!
And lastly- I grew up in north!eastern Ohio- in a suburb of Cleveland actually!
(me too! I’m from Fairview and my hubs is from Avon Lake. Moved to Brunswick from Cleveland 2yrs ago…small world!)
I read an article once where the author pointed out that, statistically speaking, if safety is what we’re concerned about, we shouldn’t be driving with our children. Car accidents are a leading cause of death in children – thousands every year. Yet no one reprimands or judges parents for taking their kids in the car.
I agree, use common sense.
Twitter: sharonmomof6
January 20, 2012 at 11:00 am
Yes- we can take the “wrap ourselves up in a sheltered cocoon of protection” approach to living life… but beyond restricting ourselves we are also creating a new generation of fearful over-protected kids…. or we can go with what our gut tells us to do.
Sheesh… now we’re supposed to stop driving our cars too…. what’s next?
Thanks Rhonda!
I used to leave the baby in the car sleeping when I went into to get my 3yr old. I could see the car from the door and I didn’t feel bad. All of the other moms did it to, especially when it was raining; just run in and run back out. I guess to me it depends on a number of factors (location, ability to see, other parents keeping an eye out, time away from the car, etc.). I’d do it too if I were her. I mean, since I already did! Who cares what other people say anyway?! Haters!
dumb mom recently posted..Writer’s Workshop. Breakfast of Champions.
Twitter: sharonmomof6
January 20, 2012 at 11:01 am
See Sarah- here’s another Mom saying that she did the same thing! You gotta do whatcha gotta do!
Thanks Amanda!
I am a mom of 5 kids ages 7 and under, and I’ve done this many times. I always feel a bit guilty doing it (mainly just because I worry that someone is going to see me and judge me or try to call the police, even though it is not illegal in my state unless you are doing it in order to get alcohol), but when you live in a very rainy state, it’s really frustrating to try to unbuckle and rebuckle the 3 kids that can’t put themselves in their own car seats while holding onto the infant car seat in the pouring rain, just to drop off a movie or pick up something at the cleaners. I try to avoid being in a situation where I have to make this choice as much as possible- my husband works from home two days a week, on the days we do preschool… so I plan errands and other things during those times. Not everyone has that luxury, I know, and there have been times when my husband couldn’t work from home for months, and those are the times when I honestly knew that it’s safer for me to slip out of the car really fast, lock the door and run in the building instead of unstrapping all my crazy toddler boys, unleashing them from the van and risk them trying to run into the road or something. I always say to use your best judgement (I would never do this in an area that I’m not comfortable)… and don’t let that car out of your sight!
Twitter: sharonmomof6
January 28, 2012 at 8:46 am
Thank you so much for adding your story to this conversation. I think there is the matter of knowing what we “should do” (as in: of course we should take the kids into the store/drycleaners/preschool with us), and then there is the reality of how difficult that is… and how it adds its own level of safety issues into the mix (kids running around a parking lot or out into the street). Having a big bunch of young kids certainly brings its own set of challenges.
Now that I am on the other side of it though, I can tell you that the day comes when it is easy to take all of the kids in with you because they can manager getting into and out of a car all on their own. And you can also feel safe allowing them to wait in the car while you run in on your own. Because they are old enough to handle it. And we are starting to head into the time when I can leave some of them behind at home while I run an errand or two…..
I have thought the same thing about older kids obviously being easier to take in stores. I really have no reason to leave my six year old unattended in a car – heck, if she’s around I want her to come with me to the store – she is a super helper! Even states with laws about leaving children unattended usually limit them to kids under six being left in a car, but that is precisely the time you would need to leave a child in the car. For example, today my 9 month old son was sick. I had just taken him to the doctor. He was totally tuckered out in the back seat after the appointment. His 3 year old sister is having her birthday at the end of the week, and right before picking her up from daycare I stopped at the grocery store to pick up cake mix for her party. I could have taken him in, but he was asleep. It could have possibly been seven minutes from the time I walked away from the car, picked up a box of cake mix, and checked out. The store was empty – I could see the car from the checkout stand, and I saw a woman approach my car and gather a crowd of onlookers while I was checking out. In just that amount of time, there was a woman waiting for me at the car threatening to call the police and lecturing about children being left in the car. In my mind, I made the best choice for my child and my family. (If it was shopping for cheetoes it could have waited for another day – this was a unique upcoming birthday party + sick, sleeping baby situation). In my head I’m thinking, “why are all these people gathered around staring at my sleeping baby?”. I guess what I am saying is apparently it isn’t just about doing what you think is best for your family after educating yourself about the risks and benefits, because I did that and had a woman calling the police on me. If we lived in a normal society where people help each other and talk about things instead of calling the police pretending to be some kind of Nancy Grace super-hero, then it might be different. I had the same thing happen when I told my two oldest girls to stay in the car while I walked 10 feet to the ATM to deposit a check. Less than five minutes this time, but an ambulance pulled up and told me what great danger the girls (then 1 and 4) were in. Another time at Sam’s club I had the ultimate – you aren’t allowed to take a cart into the restroom, but after our giant shopping trip the kids had to “go” and definately couldn’t hold it for the 30+ minute ride home. I had a sleeping baby boy in the cart car seat thing, and two girls that needed to use the restroom. I stood outside with the baby while my six and three year old went in to the restroom and for that got dirty looks for them going in alone, then the three year old needed help and so I went in to help her and the helpful ladies in the bathroom started *loudly* talking about how they would never leave a baby unattended in a shopping cart. And yet nobody – not one person – said “Hey, mama – you look like you’ve got your hands full – can I help you out?” I don’t expect any help from anyone, but I guess when some “cares” enough to be so judgey I wish they would take the time to make a real difference. Sorry, guess I am venting a bit.
Twitter: sharonmomof6
March 20, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Thanks for sharing your stories with us Melanie. It is always such a had judgement call to make…. take them in or leave them for a moment while you run in….. but you’ve hit the nail on the head that people would rather yell at your and tell you what you are doing wrong than offer to help for a moment.
Thanks Melanie! My question was the reason for this post that keeps generating responses months later. I am just so sick of judgment. I have since come to the conclusion that I just couldn’t care less what others have to say. I don’t take the kids anywhere alone unless forced, preschool is literally the only place I go with them alone. I can see the car from the door and if people don’t like it…I just don’t care. I read an article the other day where a mother made the comment about how she doesn’t let her 11yr old play outside alone without her (she said she lives in a quiet suburb) . I can honestly say that I would rather be the mom who leaves her kids in the car than that lady. My kids are safe, there is NO danger in what I’d doing as there is not enough time OR people anywhere near them to cause any. This comment thread has helped me so much to feel better about my ability to make the right choices for my family!