Apr
24
2014

If It’s Not One Thing… It’s Another….

7 comments

Gilda Radner

Okay… totally dating myself here… but anyone else ever hear Gilda Radner’s voice in her head….?

“Jane… as my Momma used to say… If it’s not one thing, it’s another”….

*long clip… but TOTALLY worth watching!

Because this is my life right now…

“If it’s not the meeting the new neighbor for the first time and after niceties have passed, hearing her say…. “Okay… a few things. Your dog has been pooping in my yard”.

Insert red-faced cringe here…

“And if it’s not the neighbor talking about your dog’s poop, it’s the oil company coming out to inspect the boiler at your new house (you know…. the house where you just paid a large sum of money to a home inspector to have it all checked out?), and having them find this…

Boiler1 500x381 If Its Not One Thing… Its Another….A corroded boiler system that is leaking onto the garage floor. And the repair is going to cost you your entire summer vacation budget…. and then some.

“And if it’s not your boiler croaking all over the garage floor, it’s the ginormous bill that arrives from your homeowner’s insurance company… and when you call to question it- they tell you that you can make the whole problem go away if you sign up to have your home monitored by an alarm company.”

“And if it’s not the homeowner’s insurance bill, it’s the appointment with the sales rep from the alarm company who visits and informs you that even though your home came with their alarm system ALREADY INSTALLED… they still will charge you a monthly fee of $30 along with a 5 YEAR CONTRACT because “that’s the only way they’ve ever worked with their 400,000 customers!”

“And it’s not the rip-off from the alarm company, it’s the trip to the tire store to check out that “minor rattle” in your husband’s car when you drive it…. only to find out it has nothing to do with the tires….. it’s the god-damn axle that needs to be replaced (plus a dozen other parts that you can’t identify because who the hell cares about the names of these things?)”

“And if it’s not the f*$#ing axle in your husband’s car…. it’s catching sight of your sweet neighbor once more while you are out looking for your a$$*&#@ dog who is missing again because he is evidentally hunting down the Mama fox and her 4 babies that have sweetly taken up residence in said neighbor’s yard.”

And by the way… do you know what a fox sounds like when she is shrieking at your dog to go away because your beast is terrorizing her babies?

But of course, you’ll only hear this shriek at night… right after NBC airs it’s commercials for “Rosemary’s Baby” and all of the sudden you’ll hear these eerie noises from outside…. forcing you to track down your a$$*&#@ dog in the dark with a flashlight… quaking in your boots…. because HELLO! Did you listen to that sound?

The screams of the undead…. or the f%^&*#$ red fox that lives behind your house, people.
Sharons Signture If Its Not One Thing… Its Another….

{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Amy April 24, 2014 at 8:30 am

Ok, first call the inspector you paid so well and send him the bill for the boiler that he obviously didn’t inspect. As for the neighbor, you have 4 boys and dog poop, they’ll figure out what to do with it – lol The alarm companies is to monitor 24/7 right, set that baby off at all hours, just to make sure they are doing their job correctly. Lease rates are good on cars right now – trade that rattle trap in for sure. And do you know the song “What does the Fox say?” play it loud and proud for that lovely “poop” neighbor. But mostly, Beer and/or Wine might lesson the blow of all of the above. Just saying!!!!!!!!

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2 Sharon
Twitter: sharonmomof6
April 24, 2014 at 10:13 am

LOVE your advice! (Especially the beer and wine part)!!!

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3 Jen L. April 24, 2014 at 6:54 pm

I was shaking my head as I read in horror everything that has gone wrong for you. I’m thinking it can’t get any worse for this poor woman. Then I got to the part about the car axle and the x rated language. I snorted out loud and from that point on, I couldn’t stop laughing! You definitely need some wine but keep the bottle close. One glass won’t be enough! I’m also sending you a hug!

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4 Barbi April 25, 2014 at 4:24 pm

Dear Sharon,
I couldn’t believe what I was reading….I consider you to be a great friend even though we’re only bloggy friends, I wish I could come right over with a great big hug and a bigger bottle of your favorite adult beverage. I’m so sorry you’re having such a terrible time of it and I wish I could say something to ease your pains. Just know this too will pass…hopefully sooner than later. We’re here for ya! I really wish the best my friend!

Hearts and Toodles, Barbi

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5 Sharon
Twitter: sharonmomof6
April 26, 2014 at 8:19 am

Thanks so much Barbi! Just getting to laugh about it on the blog helps! I keep telling my husband (and myself) that this i just a phase in our life right now. Someday we will look back on all of this and say “remember that crazy time right after we moved into our new house?….” :)

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