Okay… totally dating myself here… but anyone else ever hear Gilda Radner’s voice in her head….?
“Jane… as my Momma used to say… If it’s not one thing, it’s another”….
*long clip… but TOTALLY worth watching!
Because this is my life right now…
“If it’s not the meeting the new neighbor for the first time and after niceties have passed, hearing her say…. “Okay… a few things. Your dog has been pooping in my yard”.
Insert red-faced cringe here…
“And if it’s not the neighbor talking about your dog’s poop, it’s the oil company coming out to inspect the boiler at your new house (you know…. the house where you just paid a large sum of money to a home inspector to have it all checked out?), and having them find this…
“And if it’s not your boiler croaking all over the garage floor, it’s the ginormous bill that arrives from your homeowner’s insurance company… and when you call to question it- they tell you that you can make the whole problem go away if you sign up to have your home monitored by an alarm company.”
“And if it’s not the homeowner’s insurance bill, it’s the appointment with the sales rep from the alarm company who visits and informs you that even though your home came with their alarm system ALREADY INSTALLED… they still will charge you a monthly fee of $30 along with a 5 YEAR CONTRACT because “that’s the only way they’ve ever worked with their 400,000 customers!”
“And it’s not the rip-off from the alarm company, it’s the trip to the tire store to check out that “minor rattle” in your husband’s car when you drive it…. only to find out it has nothing to do with the tires….. it’s the god-damn axle that needs to be replaced (plus a dozen other parts that you can’t identify because who the hell cares about the names of these things?)”
“And if it’s not the f*$#ing axle in your husband’s car…. it’s catching sight of your sweet neighbor once more while you are out looking for your a$$*&#@ dog who is missing again because he is evidentally hunting down the Mama fox and her 4 babies that have sweetly taken up residence in said neighbor’s yard.”
And by the way… do you know what a fox sounds like when she is shrieking at your dog to go away because your beast is terrorizing her babies?
But of course, you’ll only hear this shriek at night… right after NBC airs it’s commercials for “Rosemary’s Baby” and all of the sudden you’ll hear these eerie noises from outside…. forcing you to track down your a$$*&#@ dog in the dark with a flashlight… quaking in your boots…. because HELLO! Did you listen to that sound?
The screams of the undead…. or the f%^&*#$ red fox that lives behind your house, people.